Reasons To Stay Alive – a reflection on the suicide of a musician

In 2018, a popular musician, known as Avicii, killed himself. At that time I too was suicidal.

I was so envious.

He’d achieved that sweet release that I had both craved, and fought against daily.

I wanted to not exist so badly, and yet Avicii’s death actually opened the door to my staying alive. I chose to think that I had taken my own life on the same day as him, and each day I would reflect on what I would have missed had that been so.

At first it didn’t feel as if I had missed anything, but then, day by day, I noticed and tallied a hug from my children, a sunny day outside, the smell of dinner cooking, the sound of laughter. Tiny moments in the scheme of things, yet I was thankful for them.

Most days I began to see more tiny pleasures, and they helped to push away the darkness that had enveloped me. I no longer wanted to die. This virtuous spiral began to grow, assisted by improved medication, and weekly therapy.

The third anniversary of Avicii’s death was a few days ago. I paused to reflect when I saw a news article about him the other day. I’ve stayed alive despite everything just over 3 years!

I also felt a profound sadness for Avicii, he may have got the peace he wanted, but now the price of that peace seems to me to be too high to pay.

I didn’t know three years ago that I would start to recover, even a year ago it was looking very shaky, I so very nearly took my own life. There is so much I would have missed.

This post was taken from the blogging and community website Moodscape and written by one of its members. The original posting can be found here

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog.

The image of Avicii is courtesy of Variety publication and it’s article relating to Avicii’s death which can be viewed here.